the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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