I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you had me at cake vodka
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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