I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
