It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
