Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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