this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
