Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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