I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
