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a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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