I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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