I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
