I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
