I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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