Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
