saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
