We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
where are my eyebrows?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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