You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
