Soap is not a condiment
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
