Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
