just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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