Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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