Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
