I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
