i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
