How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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