Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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