i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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