So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
