I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
