I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
