Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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