Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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