Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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