Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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