Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
