Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
