Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
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I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
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Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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