I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
