i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
