Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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