She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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