So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
