I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
