i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
