I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
