I hate your face
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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