I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
