I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
