He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
