you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
