Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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