Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
