Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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