well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
