I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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