I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
