So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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