when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
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So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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