ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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