my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
