I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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