I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
