okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
