So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
